so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she was so not down for the gang bang
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My feet surprised me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
