dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
