i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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