i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
