ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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