I'm really into asian looking animals
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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