She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
