i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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