Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
