On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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