I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
