Only a mothe r could love this liver
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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