Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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