the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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