I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
