What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
