All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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