weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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