i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
