I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
