My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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