So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
