I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
