Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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