found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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