is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
