she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
