i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
