You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
