Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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