Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
