There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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