I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
