Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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