now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
