I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
