Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
