So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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