Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
