i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
