I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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