giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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