I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
