I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
