i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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