I can text with my tongue
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
