Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
