Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
