I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
