thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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