You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
