false alarm. still invincible.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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