Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
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You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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