my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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